dear diary

What has been going on in my life?

I've got to experience a different phase of life. Working, earning, taking care of myself 6 days in a week, living alone again. I've just realized that working life is indeed very different. After work sometimes I would hang out with some friends and some other days I would just directly crashing the bed. I quite enjoyed it and I would've never imagine that I'd be going out very late and strolling on an empty street at midnight.

What has been going on with my spiritual life?

Nothing! I have not moved on, not even a single step since my mom passed away. I'm just being as ignorant as I was, even worse. I've been getting even more ignorant. I mean, I'm living my life happily. I am as happy as everyone could be if I would just keep myself away from my own shoe. I just don't want to ever take a look at my shoe, needless to say to dig that hole in my heart. Means to never remembering that most painful memory of my life ever again. All I ever wanted was just to keep that memory away, somewhere faraway out of my mind.

I used to tell God that I wouldn't be able to live without my mom, so I told Him "please" don't you ever dare to take her away form my life (I even threatened Him). She's my everything, I said. But He still took her away anyway.

I feel betrayed, honestly. I'm losing my grip. Does He even exist? How can I ever prove it? What kind of faith I've been believing in? What did my mom intend to do when she always forced me to go to Sunday school or church every single Sunday? How does she know that He is real? What a blind faith I've been living with? When my life was good, when the sea was always calm, I felt thankful and grateful that I believe in Him even though I've never seen Him.. But ever since the storm came, did my faith shaken, too. God is unfair I told myself. I relied on myself, my own thought since.

My life has been just going like that until I was invited by a friend to join a cell group and one day I finally decided to go. So I went, then I realized how far I've been walking away from God. Life is difficult and it even feels harder whenever you think that you're fighting the battle (of life) alone. When actually everyone is fighting their own battle, struggling with their own problem. Life has been rough to every single one of us. It was a foolish mind of mine to think that I would never be able to get back on my feet ever again, to think that "I'm having a real serious problem here while you guys don't". For that period of time should I say my life has been wasted.

After all this time, I think all that I've ever needed was just witnessing console. Looking up to those who also lost their mothers but stay strong. While for me, I pretend to be but I am not.

Well, I guess it's just that my wound won't heal that fast.

Sorry..

- meLLe -