YOLO

You only love Oreo?

You Only Live Once!

The acronym has its own memory for me. Back then when I was still in medschool, some of my friends really hated it when someone mention YOLO, you just don't say the word in front of them. We had this weird habit of hitting anyone who are either unconsciously or purposely saying the magic word. (See how many YOLOs I've written here, haha, and if they ever saw this page).


Why don't we say YOLO btw, it doesn't mean doing crazy irresponsible things before you die. It's not the word used only for hippies. Actually a great motivation instead that we should do whatever we like and whatever we want while we're young, in a good way. We should really try everything once.

Speaking of trying everything once, somehow I felt that I don’t belong, that I should have pursued another career, digging deeper from my soul about what I actually have been wanting to do, what my passion really is. I have worked my ass off during medschool. I didn't waste my time I guess and end up I went through the medschool smoothly.

I have the full right to choose what I want to be, what I want to do with my life. But at the same time I have a lot of things to consider, like A LOT. I have finally finished my medschool after the whole 6 years and I’m going to be a quarter-decade-old in 3 months time. While others have already found their passion and building up their career now, I’m still working all the way to get my license. It’s a process of building my career, too, I know, as a clinician.

I happened to stumble upon an article about general physicians' life. After reading this article, I was like 'what a long journey I have to go through until I am able to earn my own bucks. (I was working before... but not anymore because I have to prepare for the hospital entrance exam and I don't really like the job, it was just for the sake of self actualization and for the sake of experiencing work life.) 


I am, as the first-born, unconsciously forced to have the first kid syndrome which I have always had. No one ever told me to, but I know that I have the responsibility to support the family, even though I am a girl. I am the big kid in the family. I really want to have a steady and secure job, income wise, so I can support the family, my dad won't have to work anymore and I can fund my brother. But it seems that this long road won't lead me there any time soon.

In my case, besides the eagerness to earn the bucks, my pondering is more for the passion of my life that I want to truly live with. My parents did suggest me to get into the medschool and I thought it was cool, too. But honestly, this is a confession, I don't know whether I have a passion towards it anymore, I don't know whether I have the compassion for others either. I ain't a saint, I'd love to help but does it have to be this way. And, to my surprise, I did well. What is it actually? Am I actually meant for medicine?

It’s not that I hate medicine, but it feels too depressing when I know that I will still have to keep coming back burying my head into piles of medical textbooks for-EVER. Never ending studying. I’m not saying that I want to stop learning, I just wanna have fun. 


Sadly, time won't wait for either of us. The clock will keep ticking anyway. The time I have now is very limited, it’s now or never. I am actually a few steps behind. If I’m continuing in medicine it will take me few more years before I could actually start working and earning as a GP but if I'm diverting, I would need to start from the scratch all over again.

“Be honest with yourself about where your passions lie, what makes you happy, and what you really want. Trying to live up to others people’s expectations will only frustrate you, and it will distract you from doing the things that truly matter to you.”

“You don’t have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step” – Martin Luther King, Jr.

 “Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner.” – Lao Tzu

 What am I supposed to do!?
 

Recently I've been thinking of myself being in the creative industry, I'd like to imagine myself as a designer (fashion or interior) or stylist, working in a magazine or a movie set, or working for Disney or Barbie. There will always be a little girl in me, and doing those jobs equals living in a dream for me.

“Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.” – Confucious

May be I have to try doing things that I love, becoming a part of the dream.

“Don’t let your dreams be dreams” - Jack Johnson

Somehow I felt that I am not a medical doctor material, I am not for a life-time learning (but somehow I also managed to do well during medschool). I think the thing is just that I will always put a 100% effort into whatever I'm doing and I just don't want to let my parents down. They put me into medschool because they thought becoming doctor is a good job. You are not bound to 5 or 6 days a week from 8-5, you are no corporate slave. I can choose how many hours I want to work, I can do it anywhere anytime. But one thing not to be forgotten, pursuing career in the medical field will have already taking a lot of your time in the process before hopefully having your time later or for the worst scenario you will never have your time because you are too busy. Plus this whole licensure thing has been taking an awfully lot of time to the point that it puts me into depression, seriously. Am I trapped? 

While I'm thinking that I live for only once. Should I consider, ever, to make a radical change?

I cannot believe that the purpose of life is to be happy. I think the purpose of life is to be useful, to be responsible, to be compassionate. It is, above all to matter, to count, to stand for something, to have made some difference that you lived at all.. – Leo Rosten

So... What do I do?