christmas eve 2013

Hi there, it's Christmas eve! 

I was planning to go to the mass today at 8 pm but somehow I just ended up not going. It's gonna be the first Christmas without mom around. Tomorrow I have everything planned, but screw plans 'cause I'm setting my alarm for tomorrow morning and I am going to church.

Happy almost birthday Jesus!

- me -

dream house

I am going to spam my blog with my dream house! :)

heavily seasoned

Morning ritual at home for me is veggie shopping. 

And sometimes you just go really uninspired. 

Looking at the variety of greens they have everyday, you just do not know what to cook. 

Severely uninspiring, uh!

(Wondering how my mom managed to cook for me all these 24 years, while whenever she asked me what I wanted to have for the day I'd just say whatever. 

It's a tough job. I've just realized it!)

I am a bit peculiar about food nowadays, 

I don't know why I'm just not a big fan of authentic Indonesian food. 

They are all too heavily seasoned, the authentic Indonesian cuisine that everyone is crazy about. 

(don't look appetizing at all for me, ugh)

In dire need to chow down some comfort food!

what is heaven like?

All the beauty and joy we meet on earth  represent "only the scent of a flower we have not found, the echo of a tune we have not heard, news from a country we have never yet visited". 

So what is heaven like?  
Do we get to see the flower? the tune? the country?
Do I get to meet the person I want to?

- meLLe -

dear diary

What has been going on in my life?

I've got to experience a different phase of life. Working, earning, taking care of myself 6 days in a week, living alone again. I've just realized that working life is indeed very different. After work sometimes I would hang out with some friends and some other days I would just directly crashing the bed. I quite enjoyed it and I would've never imagine that I'd be going out very late and strolling on an empty street at midnight.

What has been going on with my spiritual life?

Nothing! I have not moved on, not even a single step since my mom passed away. I'm just being as ignorant as I was, even worse. I've been getting even more ignorant. I mean, I'm living my life happily. I am as happy as everyone could be if I would just keep myself away from my own shoe. I just don't want to ever take a look at my shoe, needless to say to dig that hole in my heart. Means to never remembering that most painful memory of my life ever again. All I ever wanted was just to keep that memory away, somewhere faraway out of my mind.

I used to tell God that I wouldn't be able to live without my mom, so I told Him "please" don't you ever dare to take her away form my life (I even threatened Him). She's my everything, I said. But He still took her away anyway.

I feel betrayed, honestly. I'm losing my grip. Does He even exist? How can I ever prove it? What kind of faith I've been believing in? What did my mom intend to do when she always forced me to go to Sunday school or church every single Sunday? How does she know that He is real? What a blind faith I've been living with? When my life was good, when the sea was always calm, I felt thankful and grateful that I believe in Him even though I've never seen Him.. But ever since the storm came, did my faith shaken, too. God is unfair I told myself. I relied on myself, my own thought since.

My life has been just going like that until I was invited by a friend to join a cell group and one day I finally decided to go. So I went, then I realized how far I've been walking away from God. Life is difficult and it even feels harder whenever you think that you're fighting the battle (of life) alone. When actually everyone is fighting their own battle, struggling with their own problem. Life has been rough to every single one of us. It was a foolish mind of mine to think that I would never be able to get back on my feet ever again, to think that "I'm having a real serious problem here while you guys don't". For that period of time should I say my life has been wasted.

After all this time, I think all that I've ever needed was just witnessing console. Looking up to those who also lost their mothers but stay strong. While for me, I pretend to be but I am not.

Well, I guess it's just that my wound won't heal that fast.

Sorry..

- meLLe -

if it were easy, everyone would do it

accepting people as they are

"They weren't perfect but they don't need any improvement. Nobody is perfect. Not even Mom and Dad. But that's okay."

this day, the next, a hundred years from now ... it's a heartbeat.

"This day, the next, a hundred years from now ... it's a heartbeat." - Loki

bring me the night

i'm ready!

Whoa, I am feeling amused that I finally decided to write after reading my own writing!

I don't remember when was the last time I read a book happily. I've just realized that e-book has stolen the fun of reading books on my bed, I personally not a big fan of reading on gadgets. It hurts my eyes. I prefer reading the book-form books. But I still need e-books to read on my laptop tho or it will be too messy and stuffy to have those thick books (medical books) piling on my tiny desk, while I will usually need many many sources as my study companion, and it means that I will need to scatter those heavy books around me. Isn't it much more practical by just putting a laptop on my desk? Hehe.

I was reading on my own writing that I wrote about China's independence day holiday in 2009. Oh how I miss those time when we will have a one-week holiday which we long for after boring lectures for months (oops!). For right now I am still on my endless holiday mode that I dislike. I know I will regret it very soon, haha, because I will end it in just a week. Yay, I finally landed a real job! I really don't know should I glad because I will definitely miss the time when I don't need to worry about going to work on time, working the whole day, performing the best, having tired body and mind after long working hours, still having to think what I should get for breakfast, lunch and dinner, then doing dishes, clothes and keeping my room clean afterward. Living alone again.. Welcome back 'hidup anak kost'? Or not?

But I bet it will feel so much greater than being jobless. It's always better to do something than nothing, right?

Life starts when you leave your comfort zone they say.. I hope it's true!

-meLLe-

한복

What are those characters in the title? If you think they are Korean characters.. Yes, you are right! You probably have seen them a zillion times because they look so familiar and they are everywhere when you watch your favorite k-dramas. Umm OK, but then what do they mean or how to read 'em?

The characters shown above are read hanbok :)

i really don't know why the floral pattern on the shiny garment doesn't look tacky at all.. it is still a gorgeous hanbok ~

I got really interested in hanbok. I hope that one day I could own ones, hehe. What makes me really into hanbok are the gorgeous patterns on the fabric and the various choices of the color, they are looking cute and playful yet very classy and artistic. 

As an Indonesian, I'd like to introduce you all the traditional clothing of Indonesia called kebaya. I'm proud of kebaya but to be honest I'm not a big fan of the garment, it's kinda itchy when you wear it.. So, if I am to wear one of the two traditional clothes, I think I'll choose hanbok over kebaya. 

-meLLe-

precious life

Few days ago I heard a news about a guy found dead on his apartment. There was also a fuss going on that he actually committed suicide because he failed on his study. 

Somehow I feel that his situation resembles the dark times of our lives. We have our ups and downs. When we are in our downs, we may feel that we’re in the hardest position, no one has ever been in this lowest point, no one could ever understand us, they just couldn’t do anything to help (we are in a grumpy mood, aren't we?). But then hearing the story of this guy made me realize how weak we are and how arrogant & selfish we are. We don't accept "failure", we can't accept it. Instead of facing it, we would have wanted to just runaway from the reality, so did I. We should know that we shouldn’t. Don't even think to end our journey in this world so soon just because of a failure, it won't solve the problem plus only adding more problems (do you not think of your beloved ones who are left behind?). Our life is too precious to be defeated only by a small problem (and another point to add : you don't know where you are going once you're not with us anymore, do you?).

How to act upon any obstacles in our lives is all about our choices. We may choose to face it with our chins up or we may choose to runaway from it. It is okay to take a detour, 'cause in the end of the day we’ll find that we’re back on the right tract realising that we have failed this time but we won't let our weakness take control of us. That’s the right attitude! It's pretty impossible to always be on top all the way, we must have had our hard times. We should keep trying no matter what full stop. A failure was a history, so while we are living in the present, let's do something to change the future!

I personally should apply this for myself, as I was really hit by the schocking news. A failure is not the end of the world. I said it to myself as well. No matter how big the problem I have, shall I tell my problem that I have a bigger God.

  

Have a blessed day! :)

-meLLe-  

another thought continues..

While chatting with my senior tonight, I found this article shared on facebook (mau mandi seceng dulu)

I've just written my thought about knowing your blessings this evening, and this article reminded me to be even more conscious about every little blessing that we have. For me, I was born and live in Bogor, the so-called "kota hujan" (the city of rain). Water is superfluous here, and not only abundant amount of water, but really good water, the water is super clean in Bogor (but we hate it so much when it's raining, right?) So, I take it for granted (AGAIN..) while a lot of people out there don't even have clean water to use. I feel terribly sorry :(

Now I am thankful for the rain that hasn't stopped since I wrote my blog this evening (yes, it's STILL raining now), but no black-out please ;p

Keep knowing your blessings!

-meLLe-

f(x), plaid shirts and perfect pairs of jeans

love ><

-meLLe-

KNOW your blessings

Hello Tuesday!

No driving course today so I just cook, do a little bit of cleaning, a bunch of reading and now another little bit of writing. It is good to finally be back home after staying overseas for years, but actually I am not that kind who can just stay at home. Man, it's the hardest thing to do. I just need to go out everyday. Life has been so different since I'm back to my home country. Can't really go out by yourself, right? (You know what I mean if you've been living overseas.) And I've been submitting tons of application letters but haven't heard any reply.. So yeah I'll just keep submitting tons and tons of application letters until I get the job. I can get another job actually but I want to try something new first without pulling any strings. No strings attached, please! ;)

Knowing your blessings is very important. Yes, knowing, to know your blessings, and not counting your blessings. We should know our blessings everyday (by being grumpy above I've been such a hypocrite :( .., but I still want to keep writing about knowing your blessings anyway, hehe). To count our blessings is simply impossible, there's too much blessings that we receive everyday (I have lost count of it). Our existence and the presence of our loved ones.. Breathing the air, hearing the raindrops falling on the ground and smelling the smell of rain (it's raining now).. Having a place to shelter from the rain (since it's raining ;p).. Having my mom in my life for 23 years.. Having relatives that really care for me.. Have had studying abroad.. Those are some of my blessings that I really grateful for, and there are so much mooooree that I can not mention one by one or even if I try to mention it in few pages may be I can not recall all of it. 

I always take everything and everyone for granted eventhough I have lost one of my dearest aunties. I was just saying I don't want to take anything or anyone for granted anymore, until my mom passed away. And even after that I tried to runaway from my bitter memory and I stopped realising my blessings. I didn't even try to pick the silver linings out of the dark clouds. It has gotten better day by day but I was just like 'yeah whatever' with my life. It doesn't mean that I haven't been taking care of my life, I'm still moving on with my life. It's just I can never be contented with anything. But yesterday one of my aunties came to visit me and we talked a lot about life, about the memories and I felt much better. So I decided to start knowing my blessings everyday and be happy.

Don't forget to know your blessings people! So we may be contented with everything we have in our lives. Be grateful, be thankful and be HAPPY! Gbu :)

-meLLe-  

Let's brighten up tonight with some cheerful lights!

-meLLe-

i'm happy for you too :)

First of all I would like to introduce wo-de-shenghuo-journal.blogspot.com to ya'll.. (wait.. I know)

What a weird name to choose for your blog address.. Well, I decided to name it so because, first, the names I actually want are not available anymore and, second, I think it will suit the personality of my blog (you'll know after I post some more).

Okay, so here's the topic of the day. i'm happy for you too. I am sincerely feeling it for my friends for they are getting married! Awww! I feel an overwhelming dose of happiness for those who has crossed paths with me. You guys has made my life colorful in so many ways. And I am feeling happy too for every good thing that happen to you. I am so blessed and grateful for having you guys in my life.

-meLLe-

a new chapter, a new beginning

Hi there, 

This is not my first post on blogger but this is my first post in my newly created blog. So shall I call it a come back? 

Creating a new blog and not continuing the old one doesn't mean that I want to runaway from my past and leaving it behind and to never look back forever, or to lock it up and throw away the key! Instead I want to keep it in a treasure chest and cherishing my good memories. My past and my memories are my teacher, the witness of my life journey and the lesson I can use to move forward. 

'Cause there were too many good memories to embrace~

So here I am with a new page, wanting to start afresh while feeling artsy!

P.S. u can also check my tumblr on melisahs.tumblr.com which I think pretty much reflecting my soul better than words and where I pour my heart out or just randomly picking out my fave pictures. "A picture is worth a thousand words" When I really don't know how to express myself, I am lost...

-meLLe-